December 1, 2011 Rules of the road

Posted in Rodger's Russia Book | Posted by rodger |

 

The number of cars in Russia has more than doubled over the past few years. That means that half of the drivers on the road have driven less than five years and most of them are dead set on proving that they are just as manly and important as the “crooked, arrogant, rich people who had cars when no one else could afford them.”

They have their own idea of the rules of the road.

Russian Driving Rules

Never pass on the right, even on a four lane road. All drivers prefer to pull out into oncoming traffic and exercise their God given right to scare the crap out of everyone. After all, we all know that the coward in the oncoming car with swerve to miss us.

Remember that the police do not patrol the roads, so drive like Hell.

Speed limit signs are for pussies. Drive as fast as you can at all times.

Never park in one spot if you can park at an angle and take up two places. Extra points are given for each additional space you can occupy.

A safe pass is one where you can pull into the oncoming traffic, drive like a demon, and get back into your own lane without actually taking paint off of the front of the car you are passing. Extra points are given for each foot that you can scare the other drivers into swerving.

Remember that the police do not patrol the roads, so drive like Hell as fast as you can.

If all of the parking spots are taken, you park behind the other cars, blocking at least three of them by parking parallel, jump out of your car, wave, and yell “I’ll only be a minute” and then do some leisurely shopping or drinking or both.

Remember that the police do not patrol the roads, or give parking tickets, so drive like Hell as fast as you can and park creatively.

If you are waiting for a person to pull out of a parking spot, calculate how much room he needs to get out and then stop one foot too close to him and glare at him for not getting out of your way faster.

Remember that lanes are big. There is no reason that you can’t make a third lane in the middle of a two lane road.

You don’t really need to wait for a light to actually change. If you charge into the intersection a few seconds before it changes, you can get ahead of other cars, make everyone swerve, and get extra points for scaring oncoming drivers.

If you haven’t passed anyone in the last 90 seconds, you are just not man enough to drive on these roads!

Most cars in Russia are stick shifts that roll back a little when started on a hill. If you stop behind someone on a hill, remember that two inches is plenty of room for him to start up. Don’t spoil him with extra room. Extra points are given for glaring angrily while he struggles to get moving without rolling back into your car.

A real man never shows his feelings or reveals his secrets by signaling. It’s none of their damned business if you’re turning!

If you see cars stopped a light ahead of you, speed up, pass them all, and then suddenly swerve into the head of line just as the light changes, before anyone else has a chance to move. Extra points are given if you can time it to make cars from all four directions swerve out of your way.

Remember that the police do not patrol the roads, or give parking tickets, and you are a REAL man, so drive like Hell as fast as you can, park creatively, and never give another driver a break.

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